How to Be More Present in Conversations and Listen Better

If you want to know how to be more present in conversations, start with three moves that have research behind them. Get your phone out of sight before you sit down. Ask follow-up questions about what the other person just said. When you notice your mind has gone somewhere else, bring it back to their face and their last sentence. Each one gives your attention a single place to land, and you can use all of them tonight at dinner, on a date or on a work call.

How to be more present in conversations

Put the phone in a bag or another room

In 2012, psychologists Andrew Przybylski and Netta Weinstein sat pairs of strangers in a private booth for a 10-minute conversation. For half the pairs, a mobile phone rested on a nearby table, out of their direct line of sight. For the other half, a paper notebook sat in the same spot. The pairs with the phone in the room felt less close to each other and rated their partner as less likely to become a friend. In a second experiment, talking about the most meaningful events of the past year raised trust and closeness, but only when the notebook was on the table. With the phone there, that gain disappeared. The study ran in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.

The phone in that study wasn't even in direct view, so face down on the table still counts. Pocket it, bag it, or leave it in the car for an hour.

Look at their face while they talk

Your eyes go where your attention goes, and the reverse works too. Watch the person's face while they speak, and look away for a second when you need to think. If holding a gaze feels heavy, notice the colour of their eyes once at the start and let your look settle around their face after that.

Listen for what they mean

Stephen Covey wrote in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (1989) that most people listen with the intent to reply. Halfway through someone's story, you are already loading your own story about the same thing, and you have stopped hearing them.

The fix is small. Let them finish the sentence. Pause for a beat. Then say back the part that seemed to matter to them, in your own words, before you add anything of yours.

Ask one more follow-up question

A Harvard team (Karen Huang, Michael Yeomans, Alison Wood Brooks, Julia Minson and Francesca Gino) published "It Doesn't Hurt to Ask" in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in 2017. More than 600 people chatted online for 15 minutes, with some told to ask at least nine questions and others no more than four. The big askers were liked more, and follow-up questions, the ones that build on what the other person just said, did the most work. In a speed-dating data set of 110 daters and over 2,000 dates, the top third of question askers got the most second dates. By the researchers' estimate, one extra question on each of 20 dates would have earned one more "yes".

You can only ask a follow-up if you heard the last thing they said, which makes it a presence test you run on yourself. "What happened next?" and "How did you feel about that?" both work.

Notice the drift, then come back

Harvard psychologists Matthew Killingsworth and Daniel Gilbert pinged 2,250 adults at random moments through an iPhone web app and found their minds were off the task in front of them 46.9% of the time (Science, 2010). Your mind will wander mid-conversation. That is normal. The skill is the return. When you catch yourself planning tomorrow or replaying something from this morning, drop the thought and pick up the other person's last few words.

How to be more present in a relationship

Being more present with your partner uses the same tactics, aimed at the hours you spend together by default, when phones are in reach and attention slides.

• Pick one daily window, dinner or the first 20 minutes after work, with both phones in another room.
• Ask about something they mentioned yesterday. A follow-up across days tells them you were listening the first time.
• When you notice you've drifted, say so. "Sorry, I lost you there, say that again" is more present than nodding along.

How to be a better listener in a relationship

Listening to your partner usually breaks down at the familiar topics: their work, their family, the thing they have told you about before. Hear the next telling as new information. Ask what changed since last time, and wait to offer a fix until they ask for one. If you want more ways to bring attention back to the room you're in, our guide on how to be present in the moment covers grounding drills and single-tasking.

Arrive present, with one spray before you walk in

A lot of the drift starts before the conversation does. You walk into the restaurant still answering an email in your head, or you dial in to the call still finishing the last task.

Dragon Breath is the reset we use for that moment. It is a 50 ml mouth spray of chilcuague (Heliopsis longipes), a root from Central Mexico also called golden root. The root is wild-harvested from growth zones the Mara team selects with the help of local elders, then dual-extracted. It contains affinin, also called spilanthol, measured at 6.9 to 8.5 mg per gram of root.

One spray, and within about 10 seconds a bright electric buzz spreads across your tongue and mouth. The taste is earthy and a little peppery for a second, then the tingle takes over and your mouth floods. For those few seconds, the only thing happening is the sensation in your mouth, and when it settles into a clean, fresh feeling you are standing in the doorway, here, ready to look someone in the face and listen. One customer filmed a first spray on camera, and the first words out were "Oh wow, the saliva flow."

Use it in the car before the dinner, in the hallway before the meeting, or on the walk to meet a date. Start with one spray. Once you know the feeling, you can go up to five.

Dragon Breath – Chilcuague Extract

50 ml mouth spray. Wild-harvested chilcuague root, dual-extracted. 250+ sprays.

Add to bag

The bottle holds 250+ sprays and fits in a jacket pocket, so it comes along to every conversation you care about. The extract sits in Miron violet glass, which keeps light off it and adds significant longevity to its quality. Mitchell S., a verified buyer, wrote "Epic. Must buy" in a review. More on the root, its history in Mexico and how it is harvested is in our complete guide to chilcuague.

Questions people ask

Why can't I stay present in conversations?

Drifting is the default. Killingsworth and Gilbert found minds wander 46.9% of waking time, and in Przybylski and Weinstein's 2012 study a phone on a nearby table left strangers feeling less close. Presence comes from returning to the other person each time you notice you've left.

What is the fastest way to be a better listener?

Ask a follow-up question about the last thing the person said. The 2017 Harvard study by Huang and colleagues found people who asked more follow-up questions were liked more by their conversation partners.

How do I stop thinking about what to say next?

Let the other person finish, pause for a beat, then reflect back what you heard before adding your own point.

How long does one spray of Dragon Breath last?

The bright buzz across the tongue and mouth arrives within about 10 seconds and the mouth waters fast. A clean, fresh feeling lingers after it.